Ahhh, finally a feeling of certainty

Thank you to everyone who gave me support in my decision to drop the class (and especially Kelly, Dad, Mom, Alex, Adrianne, Ben, and Suya). After I had my professor sign the sheet and went home, I still felt very conflicted. I ended up writing her an email asking if I could take the course as an independent study this summer, rather than attending the class itself. It was only after I had done that that I gave myself permission to feel relief at not taking the course. And what a relief it was! I realized that my email was an attempt at bargaining, trying to avoid having to make any decision so that I would not have to accept the consequences. So I emailed my professor again, saying:

Now that I’ve written you that email, I’ve thought it over a bit more, and…I think I made the right decision to drop the course. Every decision seems definitive and life-changing right now, which makes me crazy, but I think the best thing for me at this moment is to put the degree on hold and reduce the stress in my life so I can focus on preparing for the birth, being a mother, moving, etc. Even without taking classes, there is a lot going on!

Thank you for being understanding and holding my hand through this process, fraught with indecision and hormone-induced panic as it has been.

She emailed me back this morning with a very nice note and told me that my degree will always be here to finish. Quite true!

Anyway, I went to bed happy, knowing I am doing the right thing for myself, our baby, and Kelly right now. He has a tough summer ahead, and this way I can be more supportive by picking up more of the chores and having more emotional energy to give. I woke up and the first thing I thought to myself was, “I slept the sleep of the Just.” I have a gut feeling of certainty now, of doing the right thing. Yay!

Prospect theory describes “how people make choices in situations where they have to decide between alternatives that involve risk.” (source)

“In prospect theory, loss aversion refers to the tendency for people strongly to prefer avoiding losses than acquiring gains. Some studies suggest that losses are twice as powerful, psychologically, as gains… This leads to risk aversion when people evaluate a possible gain; since people prefer avoiding losses to making gains… Conversely people strongly prefer risks that might possibly mitigate a loss (called risk seeking behavior).” (source)

I think that the loss aversion model is a good way of describing my reaction to this choice. Even though the gain of not taking any classes is substantial, the loss of the opportunity to graduate sooner and for less money was overwhelming me. I was also seeing this decision as all-or-nothing: if I take this class, I can finish my degree, and if I do not then I will drop out of the program. Seeing the loss as so substantial stacked my decision-making so that I focused on loss aversion. In reality, I can continue my degree at any time; I will just have to work out how with my advisor and pay for the full price of classes rather than receive a tuition discount.

Relief!

Decision: Rochester

Well, after lots of conversation and some tears – oh, and about 5 hours of total sleep last night – we have made our decision. We are moving to Rochester (in late August).

Thank you to everyone who helped us with advice and information yesterday (and in the case of Laura, food). This has been a tough week, but we both feel like we are making the right decision for ourselves and our baby.

We have talked about leaving the door open to move to Seattle after Kelly’s internship ends, but of course we’ll have to make that decision then.

E-hugs are appreciated.

I can finish my degree!

Great news today.  I met with my graduate advisor, and if I take two classes in the summer, I can definitely finish my degree whether or not Kelly and I move out of the area.  I will have just three courses left, and two of those will be my thesis.  The third course I will be able to take at another university and transfer to Tufts, and it will be an elective course, so I should be able to find a course that my advisor and department are willing to approve, wherever we move.

Any courses I take while not working full-time at Tufts will not have tuition remission, of course, but for three courses, that seems okay.  $12,000 is not a very expensive investment for a degree.

In my anarchism class this week, I taught on the topic of education and it got me all excited about it again.  I mean, when I think to myself, “what will I do with this degree?” I don’t come up with much of an answer, but I think it should a) get me a higher level of administrative job, b) open the possibility of a PhD program to me if I am interested in going into academia, and c) perhaps open more possibilities to me in K-12 education as a consultant or program administrator, or in a K-12 nonprofit.

I got to talk to the ‘rents, but I think I am going to go for it.  Time to actually finish something I start!

Money Money Money

Of course, like all other first-time parents, we are in the process of trying to budget our money.  Budgeting has been a constantly evolving process for us throughout the last 5 years, and we have used a number of different systems and computer programs to try and help.  However, none of them have worked in that none of them have resulted in us really being limited in our choices and achieving financial security.  I recently attended a seminar here at Tufts that introduced me to a new system that I think is going to work.  There is just one problem – when you have a limited amount of money to spend and you are committed to not touching your cushion, you have to MAKE CHOICES!

And making choices is difficult!

In the past, our budgeting system has involved tracking all our expenses in categories, and then seeing how well we did at the end of the month.  The idea was to know where our money was going – something that almost all budgeting books, programs, and systems emphasize is important.  Once you know where your money is going, the idea is to redirect some of your spending.  Our problem was, we had a pretty good idea of where our money went, but none of our choices seemed that awful.  We spent a lot, but we never carried any debt.  Usually, we were over our estimated spending limits in a number of categories, and so had little to save at the end of the month.  And the categorization system was time-consuming while not having a big impact on our money habits.

But now, we are using the “reverse budgeting” method.  Instead of creating a detailed plan for the month, spending some amount less than we make, and then socking the rest away into savings, we have a very simple plan for allocating savings and fixed expenses, and then are limited in our spending by what’s left for the month.  There is no need to keep a detailed record of spending categories, because what matters is that after savings and fixed expenses, we spend an amount less than or equal to that month’s magic number.  We can spend the pool any way we like – PB&J every day and more luxuries, or eating out on the town but no entertainment or new clothes.

Here is how the method works: We take out an aggressive percentage (37%) of our gross income and put it directly into savings.  We have three savings “buckets”: retirement, an emergency fund, and a separate savings account for big one-time purchases like plane tickets, moving expenses, car repairs, and furniture.  After subtracting savings, we take out our monthly fixed expenses: rent, utilities, car gas, and religious contributions.   What’s left is what we have to spend on everything else: food, entertainment, household goods, clothing, gifts, oil changes, etc.  We call that the “variable expenses” number.  This month the magic number is $730.

April is the first month that we are going to try this plan from start to finish.  We began trying to keep our expenses down in March around the third week, but purchases earlier in the month had a weighty effect.  Still, retrospectively we ended March above the line.  April has some challenges: we are going to have a seder, as usual, but can we afford to feed eight people?  There is a trip to Northampton planned for the 13th, which will mean extra gas and restaurant costs.  Three friends have birthdays, which may result in some gifts (macaroni art, anyone?).  The car desperately needs an oil change, lube, and a wash.  And finally, I wanted to buy a cast iron pan to cook in to keep my iron count up.  We’re going to have to figure out some cheap ways to accomplish some of this.  Coin-op car wash, here I come.  What grocery store sells the cheapest produce?  Is it actually cheaper to plan your meals and then buy only what you need for that week’s dinners?

I can’t believe it…I am a picky eater!

Okay, okay, I know. Some of you are like “Of course you are picky, you are vegan!!” But the truth is, I am willing to eat almost everything in the plant-based world. I am even eating ginger now a little bit (something I have always hated). The only food I really don’t like is cilantro/coriander, but I am willing to pick it out of my food if I can.

But pour oil on my food? Gross! Use iodized salt? Nah! Vegetable smoothie with ice? Wha?

I appreciate the suggestions that people have been giving me, and your gentle nudges have made me realize that I need a total diet makeover. I mean, I “hear” from the ambient noise that is the media that fats and sweets and salts are bad for you and should be used sparingly. But it turns out that you actually need some of those things – like iodized salt so you don’t get a goiter. So my healthy diet – while still healthier than the average American diet – is lacking in some of the things it probably should have, especially in the fats category.

What I need is not a new dish I can add to my current diet. What I need is a new way to cook and prepare food that is less processed, includes greater variety of grains and beans/legumes, is higher in protein, includes more yellow and green vegetables, and contains some essential supplements needed for a vegan diet (like B12 from nutritional yeast and omega-3 fatty acids from walnuts, flax, and algae).

This isn’t just a diet modification, it’s a lifestyle change – I need to spend more time cooking (an increase from zero minutes a week), and I need to learn how to freeze foods (as opposed to the Weisman family tradition: “the freezer is the place that food goes to die”).  And I need to buy some decent glass or pyrex containers to freeze and microwave stuff in, because reheating stuff in plastic containers is gross.  Kelly had this idea a year ago that we spend Sunday afternoons cooking for the week.  We may need to try that out.

I know Suya used to do that.  Does anyone else cook for the week, or cook to freeze a meal?  Do you bake 2 casseroles instead of one and freeze one?  Do you freeze the whole thing together, or do you cut it into servings?  Or is your freezer a purgatory between edible food and the garbage?

Too cold here

It’s so cold I am freezing my hiney off. Seriously, I had to dance like I was at a disco to keep warm in the car this morning as the engine reluctantly warmed up. The pipes froze in our kitchen again. Winter here sucks.

I canceled my prenatal appointment today with a nurse at the Burlington office of Harvard Vanguard Medical Associates. I don’t want to keep seeing them if I don’t plan on working with them. I got an appointment tomorrow with a CNM at the Cambridge Birth Center – she is actually the director of the center. At lunch today I have to go get my records from HVMA so I can have uninterrupted care tomorrow. I like the idea of working with a midwife and giving birth at a birth center. I want my peeps to be able to hang out – I expect prolly K, R, A, and K’s mom will be around keeping me company, doing massage, baking pie, et cetera while I labor. I am thinking that in a couple months I will take a hypnobirthing class. K and I spent 10 minutes meditating last night. It was very calming. I forget how easy it can be to do sometimes. We’re going to try to meditate together for 10-20 minutes every night. I also watched through my new “Buff Moms-to-be” DVD. All the moves look doable except this one bit with tricky footwork, but I’m sure I’ll pick it up. The problem now is going to be finding the space to do the work. I also need tennis shoes, a beach towel, and 2-lb. hand weights, but those should be easy to get.

Still nauseous. Yesterday was one of the worst days so far. I thought I was going to barf on the way home in the car. My appetite is back, but my food aversions are still here, so I am having trouble figuring out to eat. Fortunately, K and I are going out to dinner tonight for our 4 year anniversary. That’s right. Can you believe it’s been that long?