More evidence I made the right decision

Stress in pregnancy raises risks for baby

Ahhh, finally a feeling of certainty

Thank you to everyone who gave me support in my decision to drop the class (and especially Kelly, Dad, Mom, Alex, Adrianne, Ben, and Suya). After I had my professor sign the sheet and went home, I still felt very conflicted. I ended up writing her an email asking if I could take the course as an independent study this summer, rather than attending the class itself. It was only after I had done that that I gave myself permission to feel relief at not taking the course. And what a relief it was! I realized that my email was an attempt at bargaining, trying to avoid having to make any decision so that I would not have to accept the consequences. So I emailed my professor again, saying:

Now that I’ve written you that email, I’ve thought it over a bit more, and…I think I made the right decision to drop the course. Every decision seems definitive and life-changing right now, which makes me crazy, but I think the best thing for me at this moment is to put the degree on hold and reduce the stress in my life so I can focus on preparing for the birth, being a mother, moving, etc. Even without taking classes, there is a lot going on!

Thank you for being understanding and holding my hand through this process, fraught with indecision and hormone-induced panic as it has been.

She emailed me back this morning with a very nice note and told me that my degree will always be here to finish. Quite true!

Anyway, I went to bed happy, knowing I am doing the right thing for myself, our baby, and Kelly right now. He has a tough summer ahead, and this way I can be more supportive by picking up more of the chores and having more emotional energy to give. I woke up and the first thing I thought to myself was, “I slept the sleep of the Just.” I have a gut feeling of certainty now, of doing the right thing. Yay!

Prospect theory describes “how people make choices in situations where they have to decide between alternatives that involve risk.” (source)

“In prospect theory, loss aversion refers to the tendency for people strongly to prefer avoiding losses than acquiring gains. Some studies suggest that losses are twice as powerful, psychologically, as gains… This leads to risk aversion when people evaluate a possible gain; since people prefer avoiding losses to making gains… Conversely people strongly prefer risks that might possibly mitigate a loss (called risk seeking behavior).” (source)

I think that the loss aversion model is a good way of describing my reaction to this choice. Even though the gain of not taking any classes is substantial, the loss of the opportunity to graduate sooner and for less money was overwhelming me. I was also seeing this decision as all-or-nothing: if I take this class, I can finish my degree, and if I do not then I will drop out of the program. Seeing the loss as so substantial stacked my decision-making so that I focused on loss aversion. In reality, I can continue my degree at any time; I will just have to work out how with my advisor and pay for the full price of classes rather than receive a tuition discount.

Relief!

DECISION ‘08

I dropped the course.  I got there today and I was exhausted, and the baby started kicking me in the stomach, and I knew I couldn’t make it.  I just don’t want to push myself that hard.

Ugh.

More on grad school

These two articles address my guilt:

1. Thomas H. Benton’s Is Graduate School a Cult? (The Chronicle of Higher Education, July 2, 2004)
2. When Is It Time to Quit?

If I take just this one class right now, I can (with permission from my advisor, my department, and the graduate school) transfer in two courses from another college and complete my two-course thesis long-distance. So it is possible that even if I move away from the area, if I take this class I could still complete the degree at Tufts. If I took this class and another class in the second summer session, I might be able to do a one-course project rather than a full thesis. In sum, if I wanted to, I could take the 5 classes necessary to complete the degree within the next two years. But only if I take this summer course…otherwise, I won’t have enough on-campus credits.

I have to consider the cost of the degree (no more tuition remission after I leave my job at Tufts), the opportunity cost, and the potential fiscal/career benefit of having the degree. I feel pretty strongly that degrees above a BA should be pursued to advance one’s career, rather than just for pleasure, at least at this stage in my life. Part of the problem is that I don’t know exactly what I want to do for a career, although I think I am closer to knowing than I have been in the past.

Self torture

You know how when little kids get to a certain point, they don’t know their own strength? They end up hitting or pushing an adult who admonishes them with “You are stronger than you think!” Their bodies are changing more quickly than their self-perception. I feel like that now, but about my energy level. I will feel “fine” or even “full of energy” and decide to do something like go to the beach with some friends. Then after 40 minutes on the beach have a complete emotional breakdown because I am so exhausted. Let me repeat…going TO THE BEACH was too stressful! What is the world (my body) coming to?!? My body’s actual energy levels are changing faster than my self-perception. Fortunately, a grape popsicle from the ice cream truck helped calm me down.

For the past week, since making the decision about maternity leave, I have been torturing myself about what to do regarding taking classes this summer. If I don’t take classes this summer, I will not be able to finish my degree at Tufts. On the other hand, taking classes (or even just one class) sound pretty hellish: on the days when I have class (Tuesday and Thursday from 4 to 7:30) I don’t get to take lunch from work because I use that hour at the end of the day going to class, and I eat dinner late. I am too tired to exercise, and I have spent a continuous 10 1/2 hours sitting in a chair, so my butt and my back hurt and I am generally uncomfortable. In addition, there is all the extra sitting I do on the weekend when reading my homework. And all of this takes away time I could be spending achieving my goals for this summer:

1. Spending time bonding with my baby
2. Eating well
3. Exercising (belly dancing) at least every other day
4. Getting plenty of rest
5. Practicing self-hypnosis techniques
6. Preparing our home for a baby (registering for baby gear, cleaning)
7. Getting rid of a lot of the stuff I have accumulated (books, papers, clothes, miscellaneous junk)
8. Packing stuff up in preparation for our move
9. Leaving my office in a very good place at the end of July, with an updated job description and procedures manual

So, the obvious solution is not to take any classes this summer. My dad says I should give myself permission to enjoy my pregnancy and focus on what I need now. There are a couple of reasons that I hesitate to do so.

One, giving up the Master’s degree closes some doors for me. I have never been closer to receiving a Master’s than I am now. Even if I transfer some of the credits I have earned here at Tufts to another degree program, I won’t be able to transfer them all. On the other hand, I no longer want to be a college professor. My experience teaching here this semester (and my experience teaching in public schools) has showed me that I prefer jobs that have defined work hours and duties to teaching, and that I find the process of getting published in an academic journal to be excruciating. Which makes my degree no longer very career-oriented. I just don’t want to give it up and then regret it later.

Two, I don’t want to disappoint all the people who have supported and rooted for me during the time I have been working towards this degree. My teachers, my husband, my family (both sides), and my friends. I don’t want to be a failure, a quitter, or a loser.

Three, I genuinely find the topic for my thesis interesting: the critique of American public education embodied by the free school movement in the ’70s, and the solutions and failures of the movement itself. But maybe I could pursue this interest outside of the academy? Despite my interest, I do not want to go through the process of writing a formal thesis. It was bad enough at Bard, where I scraped by with a creative project.

So then I think to myself, well, what if I try it out for another week? Will time help me make this decision? It’s not a question of whether I could take the classes – of course I could. It’s a question of living according to my priorities, and I am just not sure how to balance my short-term goals with my long-term desire to find a satisfying career. I am not certain that this degree is part of my path, and perhaps my very uncertainty is pointing me in the direction of putting my education on hold. A degree is not just expensive in terms of money, but in terms of my life-energy.

I would love comments.