Ahhh, finally a feeling of certainty

Thank you to everyone who gave me support in my decision to drop the class (and especially Kelly, Dad, Mom, Alex, Adrianne, Ben, and Suya). After I had my professor sign the sheet and went home, I still felt very conflicted. I ended up writing her an email asking if I could take the course as an independent study this summer, rather than attending the class itself. It was only after I had done that that I gave myself permission to feel relief at not taking the course. And what a relief it was! I realized that my email was an attempt at bargaining, trying to avoid having to make any decision so that I would not have to accept the consequences. So I emailed my professor again, saying:

Now that I’ve written you that email, I’ve thought it over a bit more, and…I think I made the right decision to drop the course. Every decision seems definitive and life-changing right now, which makes me crazy, but I think the best thing for me at this moment is to put the degree on hold and reduce the stress in my life so I can focus on preparing for the birth, being a mother, moving, etc. Even without taking classes, there is a lot going on!

Thank you for being understanding and holding my hand through this process, fraught with indecision and hormone-induced panic as it has been.

She emailed me back this morning with a very nice note and told me that my degree will always be here to finish. Quite true!

Anyway, I went to bed happy, knowing I am doing the right thing for myself, our baby, and Kelly right now. He has a tough summer ahead, and this way I can be more supportive by picking up more of the chores and having more emotional energy to give. I woke up and the first thing I thought to myself was, “I slept the sleep of the Just.” I have a gut feeling of certainty now, of doing the right thing. Yay!

Prospect theory describes “how people make choices in situations where they have to decide between alternatives that involve risk.” (source)

“In prospect theory, loss aversion refers to the tendency for people strongly to prefer avoiding losses than acquiring gains. Some studies suggest that losses are twice as powerful, psychologically, as gains… This leads to risk aversion when people evaluate a possible gain; since people prefer avoiding losses to making gains… Conversely people strongly prefer risks that might possibly mitigate a loss (called risk seeking behavior).” (source)

I think that the loss aversion model is a good way of describing my reaction to this choice. Even though the gain of not taking any classes is substantial, the loss of the opportunity to graduate sooner and for less money was overwhelming me. I was also seeing this decision as all-or-nothing: if I take this class, I can finish my degree, and if I do not then I will drop out of the program. Seeing the loss as so substantial stacked my decision-making so that I focused on loss aversion. In reality, I can continue my degree at any time; I will just have to work out how with my advisor and pay for the full price of classes rather than receive a tuition discount.

Relief!