More evidence I made the right decision

Stress in pregnancy raises risks for baby

Ahhh, finally a feeling of certainty

Thank you to everyone who gave me support in my decision to drop the class (and especially Kelly, Dad, Mom, Alex, Adrianne, Ben, and Suya). After I had my professor sign the sheet and went home, I still felt very conflicted. I ended up writing her an email asking if I could take the course as an independent study this summer, rather than attending the class itself. It was only after I had done that that I gave myself permission to feel relief at not taking the course. And what a relief it was! I realized that my email was an attempt at bargaining, trying to avoid having to make any decision so that I would not have to accept the consequences. So I emailed my professor again, saying:

Now that I’ve written you that email, I’ve thought it over a bit more, and…I think I made the right decision to drop the course. Every decision seems definitive and life-changing right now, which makes me crazy, but I think the best thing for me at this moment is to put the degree on hold and reduce the stress in my life so I can focus on preparing for the birth, being a mother, moving, etc. Even without taking classes, there is a lot going on!

Thank you for being understanding and holding my hand through this process, fraught with indecision and hormone-induced panic as it has been.

She emailed me back this morning with a very nice note and told me that my degree will always be here to finish. Quite true!

Anyway, I went to bed happy, knowing I am doing the right thing for myself, our baby, and Kelly right now. He has a tough summer ahead, and this way I can be more supportive by picking up more of the chores and having more emotional energy to give. I woke up and the first thing I thought to myself was, “I slept the sleep of the Just.” I have a gut feeling of certainty now, of doing the right thing. Yay!

Prospect theory describes “how people make choices in situations where they have to decide between alternatives that involve risk.” (source)

“In prospect theory, loss aversion refers to the tendency for people strongly to prefer avoiding losses than acquiring gains. Some studies suggest that losses are twice as powerful, psychologically, as gains… This leads to risk aversion when people evaluate a possible gain; since people prefer avoiding losses to making gains… Conversely people strongly prefer risks that might possibly mitigate a loss (called risk seeking behavior).” (source)

I think that the loss aversion model is a good way of describing my reaction to this choice. Even though the gain of not taking any classes is substantial, the loss of the opportunity to graduate sooner and for less money was overwhelming me. I was also seeing this decision as all-or-nothing: if I take this class, I can finish my degree, and if I do not then I will drop out of the program. Seeing the loss as so substantial stacked my decision-making so that I focused on loss aversion. In reality, I can continue my degree at any time; I will just have to work out how with my advisor and pay for the full price of classes rather than receive a tuition discount.

Relief!

DECISION ‘08

I dropped the course.  I got there today and I was exhausted, and the baby started kicking me in the stomach, and I knew I couldn’t make it.  I just don’t want to push myself that hard.

Ugh.

More on grad school

These two articles address my guilt:

1. Thomas H. Benton’s Is Graduate School a Cult? (The Chronicle of Higher Education, July 2, 2004)
2. When Is It Time to Quit?

If I take just this one class right now, I can (with permission from my advisor, my department, and the graduate school) transfer in two courses from another college and complete my two-course thesis long-distance. So it is possible that even if I move away from the area, if I take this class I could still complete the degree at Tufts. If I took this class and another class in the second summer session, I might be able to do a one-course project rather than a full thesis. In sum, if I wanted to, I could take the 5 classes necessary to complete the degree within the next two years. But only if I take this summer course…otherwise, I won’t have enough on-campus credits.

I have to consider the cost of the degree (no more tuition remission after I leave my job at Tufts), the opportunity cost, and the potential fiscal/career benefit of having the degree. I feel pretty strongly that degrees above a BA should be pursued to advance one’s career, rather than just for pleasure, at least at this stage in my life. Part of the problem is that I don’t know exactly what I want to do for a career, although I think I am closer to knowing than I have been in the past.

Self torture

You know how when little kids get to a certain point, they don’t know their own strength? They end up hitting or pushing an adult who admonishes them with “You are stronger than you think!” Their bodies are changing more quickly than their self-perception. I feel like that now, but about my energy level. I will feel “fine” or even “full of energy” and decide to do something like go to the beach with some friends. Then after 40 minutes on the beach have a complete emotional breakdown because I am so exhausted. Let me repeat…going TO THE BEACH was too stressful! What is the world (my body) coming to?!? My body’s actual energy levels are changing faster than my self-perception. Fortunately, a grape popsicle from the ice cream truck helped calm me down.

For the past week, since making the decision about maternity leave, I have been torturing myself about what to do regarding taking classes this summer. If I don’t take classes this summer, I will not be able to finish my degree at Tufts. On the other hand, taking classes (or even just one class) sound pretty hellish: on the days when I have class (Tuesday and Thursday from 4 to 7:30) I don’t get to take lunch from work because I use that hour at the end of the day going to class, and I eat dinner late. I am too tired to exercise, and I have spent a continuous 10 1/2 hours sitting in a chair, so my butt and my back hurt and I am generally uncomfortable. In addition, there is all the extra sitting I do on the weekend when reading my homework. And all of this takes away time I could be spending achieving my goals for this summer:

1. Spending time bonding with my baby
2. Eating well
3. Exercising (belly dancing) at least every other day
4. Getting plenty of rest
5. Practicing self-hypnosis techniques
6. Preparing our home for a baby (registering for baby gear, cleaning)
7. Getting rid of a lot of the stuff I have accumulated (books, papers, clothes, miscellaneous junk)
8. Packing stuff up in preparation for our move
9. Leaving my office in a very good place at the end of July, with an updated job description and procedures manual

So, the obvious solution is not to take any classes this summer. My dad says I should give myself permission to enjoy my pregnancy and focus on what I need now. There are a couple of reasons that I hesitate to do so.

One, giving up the Master’s degree closes some doors for me. I have never been closer to receiving a Master’s than I am now. Even if I transfer some of the credits I have earned here at Tufts to another degree program, I won’t be able to transfer them all. On the other hand, I no longer want to be a college professor. My experience teaching here this semester (and my experience teaching in public schools) has showed me that I prefer jobs that have defined work hours and duties to teaching, and that I find the process of getting published in an academic journal to be excruciating. Which makes my degree no longer very career-oriented. I just don’t want to give it up and then regret it later.

Two, I don’t want to disappoint all the people who have supported and rooted for me during the time I have been working towards this degree. My teachers, my husband, my family (both sides), and my friends. I don’t want to be a failure, a quitter, or a loser.

Three, I genuinely find the topic for my thesis interesting: the critique of American public education embodied by the free school movement in the ’70s, and the solutions and failures of the movement itself. But maybe I could pursue this interest outside of the academy? Despite my interest, I do not want to go through the process of writing a formal thesis. It was bad enough at Bard, where I scraped by with a creative project.

So then I think to myself, well, what if I try it out for another week? Will time help me make this decision? It’s not a question of whether I could take the classes – of course I could. It’s a question of living according to my priorities, and I am just not sure how to balance my short-term goals with my long-term desire to find a satisfying career. I am not certain that this degree is part of my path, and perhaps my very uncertainty is pointing me in the direction of putting my education on hold. A degree is not just expensive in terms of money, but in terms of my life-energy.

I would love comments.

Maternity Leave

So, I have been running into this big problem where I need to take maternity leave – if nothing else, for the health insurance coverage – but I am also planning to quit my job, which negates the leave. I talked to my human resources rep about it, and she was like, “You need to think about yourself, not your office. Tufts offers this great benefit, and you should plan to take advantage of it. You can call anytime during your maternity leave to tell your office that you will not be returning.” But I had already opened my big mouth at work about the possibility of moving. So I had to tell my supervisor something, and what I told her was that Kelly did get the job in Rochester and did not get the job in Boston, but for now we are planning as though we will be staying in Boston. She asked what “for now” meant – a week, a month, 6 months? I told her that there was no specific timeline that we had set for making a decision. So basically, now it’s as if I had never talked about moving, and the office is assuming I will just be returning after the leave. My plan, I think, is to take about half of the leave – 6 weeks – and then call my supervisor and tell her I have made the decision that I will not be coming back. Kelly’s new job’s insurance should have kicked in by then, so I will be constantly covered, which is my biggest concern. Since Tufts asks that I give notice equivalent to my annual vacation days (15 business days or 3 weeks), I may also decide to take 9 weeks of leave before calling. It’s tough because I want to do right by the office, but I also want to do right by my new family. I have had a really good experience working at Tufts, and I would like to be able to use my supervisor as a strong reference when applying for future positions. Between now and the birth, I will be trying to clear my desk, rewrite my job description, and prepare for the next person, knowing I will not be returning.

I considered the option of telling my supe/HR that I will be resigning a month or two after my leave – say, at the end of November or mid-December, so the search for my replacement could start during my leave and I would just take the whole thing. However, that seemed way too complicated, and I would still not be coming back after the leave so I would have to break that news anyway.

Lisa, the part-time records assistant in my office, will be covering my position during the maternity leave. She knows the whole score about my plans, and wrote me an email saying:

“I think HR is absolutely right and the selfish part of me thinks that I should be able to prove myself and I am hoping there won’t be a need for a replacement. I am glad you told me though because I was starting to search other places for more hours because I think if you tell them you are not coming back right from the get go they are not even willing to give me a chance [to have the job on a permanent basis]. Whenever you decide to let her know is up to you I would do the nine weeks but that is just me. And I hope you and Kelly both know that if you need help packing or watching the baby while you are here I am more than willing to help.”

I feel guilty about not being completely upfront with my office, but this was the best solution I could come up with, and I honestly don’t think it will screw them too much.

The hunger strikes

At lunch today, I was starving and shaky by the time I got home.  I ate 2 big burritos, the leftover gumbo from last night’s dinner, and even fished Kelly’s half-eaten cookie out of the garbage (still in the package).  Whoa.  I had no idea I could be so hungry.

Happy Birthday, Mommy!

Monday was my birthday, and it was the best I could have asked for. I worked overtime Friday, Saturday, and Sunday at the Board of Trustees weekend and Commencement, and then took Monday off to relax. I got a host of good wishes and nice phone calls from my entire family, spoke to Hannah in Botswana (who is going to Victoria Falls this week!), and had long conversations with Rachel and Adrianne. Then in the evening, Adrianne and Jurvis had Kelly and I over for a wonderful birthday dinner of pasta, salad, and garlic bread. The salad had hearts of palm in it, something they discovered in Costa Rica, and it was the first time I had tried them. They were very good – as Adrianne said, the flavor is very mild and similar to artichoke. We watched an episode of Quantum Leap with them, and then went home. Although I haven’t yet had the chance to open any presents, apparently a number of presents are heading my direction in the mail.

Kelly and I went out to a nice birthday lunch at Kashish Indian Cuisine on Sunday. It was a very romantic weekend for us, with lots of closeness.

I spent a few hours yesterday doing some work thinking about registering for baby stuff for this summer’s showers. It is overwhelming how many options there are out there for even a single item. Especially surrounding diapers. But I am learning a lot!

Growing belly

This pic was taken tonight.  See…I am bigger!

May Midwife Appointment

Kelly and I went to see Tiffany (my midwife) on Wednesday, and had a good appointment.  I brought a copy of the birth plan that I wrote up, and she looked it over and then added it to my medical files.  I had to take the routine gestational diabetes test, which involves drinking this horrible sugary drink and then having your blood drawn an hour later.  The results were back yesterday morning – I do not have diabetes, but I am anemic.  I have been sporadically taking an iron supplement, but now I will get more serious about it.

Kelly did laundry last night, so first the first time since we bought it last weekend I could use my body pillow (we had to wash the pillowcase).  It was great!  I slept much better than the previous couple of nights.  However, the pillow we got was cheap ($9 at Target) and I can tell that with a few months of use it will get flatter where I wrap my legs around it.  My plan is to fluff it every day and hope that it survives until August, when I will finally be able to sleep on my back again (after giving birth).

Here is the best news: I have gained 16 pounds so far!  Since I was of an average weight prior to pregnancy, I should gain somewhere in the range of 25-35 pounds.  I’ve never been a real gainer and a vegan diet is not that calorically dense, so I was a bit worried about putting on the pounds.  No need to fear, apparently.  My weight gain curve is very encouraging.

Lots of strong moving and kicking from the belly.

Allergy season has begun in force.  I had an allergy attack that was so bad yesterday that I got a nosebleed after sneezing uncontrollably.  Kelly ran out last night to get me the antihistamine recommended by the ACAAI and the AAFP, chlorpheniramine (Chlor-Trimeton).  Taking this before bed is the other reason that I slept so well.  Like Benadryl, it has a sedative effect.  I could take Zyrtec or Claratin, which are both Category B, but obviously they are new enough to the market that effects on fetal health are unknown (there is no controlled human pregnancy drug testing for obvious reasons).  I unfortunately cannot take Patanol eye drops, which I am usually all about (they are Category C), so I will have to clean my eyes with baby shampoo and use hot compresses liberally until the season ends.

I bellydanced again last night.