Fears and worries

Well, things are suddenly getting a lot more real. I have been able to mostly put far-off events out of my mind up ’til now, but with the quickening all of a sudden I am like, THERE IS A BABY IN THERE. AND SOON IT WILL BE O-U-T. Crazy!

I suddenly thought of the bris the other day. Kelly and I aren’t going to find out if it is a girl or a boy until I give birth, but if it is a boy then we want to have a bris (circumcision ceremony on the eighth day of the child’s life). Which means my family might have to fly in, and they may be on vacation in Hawaii, depending on when I give birth! I can’t imagine my dad missing the bris of his grandson, though – I am sure it will all work out. On the other hand, it could be a girl, in which case no worries…you know, other than a lifetime of sexism and sex role socialization.

I am also thinking about the birth more – I spoke to my doula for the first time yesterday, and she seems nice. And I was looking up Hypnobirthing classes and I realized that I better start taking classes soon! I am already in the 5th month, and even though my due date is August 5, July is really the 9th month. That’s so soon!

A lot of decisions have gotten put on hold because Kelly and I still don’t know whether we’ll be living in Boston next year, or Rochester (at this point, the location with the most positive response – his interview is next weekend), or Seattle. We don’t want to buy the tons of stuff you apparently need for a baby (car seat, carrier, stroller, bottles, diapers, sleeping area, etc.) if we are about to move because then we have to ship it all. On the other hand, at this point I am definitely giving birth here in Boston (our insurance doesn’t cover much else), so we will need at least some of that stuff before we move. We may end up getting a folding crib-slash-changing table as a temporary measure. I added more books to my Amazon wish list, too – all of a sudden, I want to be reading more!

I started reading the books I already have, and one of them (Birthing From Within) suggested that ‘the work of pregnancy is to worry’ and that if you don’t face your fears directly and deal with them, you won’t be as prepared for the birth. So yesterday I started worrying. But today I think I will set my worries aside for a while again – I’ll worry in spurts. Things are going well right now, and I don’t think I need to derail that by freaking out. 

The last thing I have been facing lately is the idea that major changes are coming – not just in the next year, but in life. I don’t see a way I can finish my degree, since I was already feeling overwhelmed and maxed out juggling a full-time job and taking classes. The remaining classes all involve more time due to the increased requirements of doing research and a thesis. Even without a baby, I would probably need to work less in order to finish the degree. Of course, I can’t do that, because what allows me to afford the classes at all is the discounted tuition I receive as a result of working full time. With a newborn in the mix, I just don’t think it’s possible for me to work full-time and take classes that involve major independent research. Especially if we move, the chances that I could finish this degree go from slim to none. I have been questioning lately if I am even in the right degree program, and I think that probably I am not – on the other hand, any degree is better than no degree. If I do end up dropping out of the program (pretty much a certainty), I can always transfer some of the credits to a new degree somewhere else, and doing more career-oriented study. Kelly and I have agreed that one of our big priorities right now is to move into our chosen career paths. The stumbling blocks for us are different: I need to choose a path, and if it requires additional education I need to figure out how we will pay for that. Kelly has a plan and he has the education, but the path is still not clearly laid out. Anyway, the point is that it’s not just having a baby and getting a new job and moving that will change, but going from graduate student to non-student and becoming a parent and living a new lifestyle.

Fortunately, I have the most wonderful, hottest, most loving partner in the world, and that makes me feel a lot more flexible and prepared for change than I would otherwise. I have faith that we will come through all the changes together. Joining Temple Sinai has helped me feel more grounded, too – if there’s one thing I am going to miss, it’s belonging to a temple where I really belong. Unless we end up in Seattle, in which case we’ll probably just join Temple Beth Am. Easy peasy!

Oh, and I started the Flagyl today.