Fears and worries

Well, things are suddenly getting a lot more real. I have been able to mostly put far-off events out of my mind up ’til now, but with the quickening all of a sudden I am like, THERE IS A BABY IN THERE. AND SOON IT WILL BE O-U-T. Crazy!

I suddenly thought of the bris the other day. Kelly and I aren’t going to find out if it is a girl or a boy until I give birth, but if it is a boy then we want to have a bris (circumcision ceremony on the eighth day of the child’s life). Which means my family might have to fly in, and they may be on vacation in Hawaii, depending on when I give birth! I can’t imagine my dad missing the bris of his grandson, though – I am sure it will all work out. On the other hand, it could be a girl, in which case no worries…you know, other than a lifetime of sexism and sex role socialization.

I am also thinking about the birth more – I spoke to my doula for the first time yesterday, and she seems nice. And I was looking up Hypnobirthing classes and I realized that I better start taking classes soon! I am already in the 5th month, and even though my due date is August 5, July is really the 9th month. That’s so soon!

A lot of decisions have gotten put on hold because Kelly and I still don’t know whether we’ll be living in Boston next year, or Rochester (at this point, the location with the most positive response – his interview is next weekend), or Seattle. We don’t want to buy the tons of stuff you apparently need for a baby (car seat, carrier, stroller, bottles, diapers, sleeping area, etc.) if we are about to move because then we have to ship it all. On the other hand, at this point I am definitely giving birth here in Boston (our insurance doesn’t cover much else), so we will need at least some of that stuff before we move. We may end up getting a folding crib-slash-changing table as a temporary measure. I added more books to my Amazon wish list, too – all of a sudden, I want to be reading more!

I started reading the books I already have, and one of them (Birthing From Within) suggested that ‘the work of pregnancy is to worry’ and that if you don’t face your fears directly and deal with them, you won’t be as prepared for the birth. So yesterday I started worrying. But today I think I will set my worries aside for a while again – I’ll worry in spurts. Things are going well right now, and I don’t think I need to derail that by freaking out. 

The last thing I have been facing lately is the idea that major changes are coming – not just in the next year, but in life. I don’t see a way I can finish my degree, since I was already feeling overwhelmed and maxed out juggling a full-time job and taking classes. The remaining classes all involve more time due to the increased requirements of doing research and a thesis. Even without a baby, I would probably need to work less in order to finish the degree. Of course, I can’t do that, because what allows me to afford the classes at all is the discounted tuition I receive as a result of working full time. With a newborn in the mix, I just don’t think it’s possible for me to work full-time and take classes that involve major independent research. Especially if we move, the chances that I could finish this degree go from slim to none. I have been questioning lately if I am even in the right degree program, and I think that probably I am not – on the other hand, any degree is better than no degree. If I do end up dropping out of the program (pretty much a certainty), I can always transfer some of the credits to a new degree somewhere else, and doing more career-oriented study. Kelly and I have agreed that one of our big priorities right now is to move into our chosen career paths. The stumbling blocks for us are different: I need to choose a path, and if it requires additional education I need to figure out how we will pay for that. Kelly has a plan and he has the education, but the path is still not clearly laid out. Anyway, the point is that it’s not just having a baby and getting a new job and moving that will change, but going from graduate student to non-student and becoming a parent and living a new lifestyle.

Fortunately, I have the most wonderful, hottest, most loving partner in the world, and that makes me feel a lot more flexible and prepared for change than I would otherwise. I have faith that we will come through all the changes together. Joining Temple Sinai has helped me feel more grounded, too – if there’s one thing I am going to miss, it’s belonging to a temple where I really belong. Unless we end up in Seattle, in which case we’ll probably just join Temple Beth Am. Easy peasy!

Oh, and I started the Flagyl today.

Pharmacy troubles…

I went to get my Flagyl (metronidazole) prescription filled on Saturday, and the pharmacist gave me a really ridiculously hard time about it.  She was like, “you’re not supposed to have this when you’re pregnant – it’s a Category B drug” and “this drug crosses the blood barrier into the placenta.”  Well, guess what, pharmacist: Category B is about as good as you’re going to get with a drug during pregnancy, and Flagyl is the treatment recommended by the CDC for BV when pregnant.  About the only other treatment is clindamycin, also Category B (and possibly more effective at preventing pre-term labor – or it might be that metronidazole is just not as studied?).

The CDC website on treatment guidelines for BV says:

Whether treatment of asymptomatic pregnant women with BV who are at low risk for preterm delivery reduces adverse outcomes of pregnancy is unclear.

At this point, I am asymptomatic (I had a fishy smell and some extra discharge a few weeks ago, but not anymore) and at low risk for preterm delivery.  My midwife says I should treat the BV, and then if symptoms do not recur we can just assume that it is gone.  I am going to do that, but I also feel like it sucks to take drugs – extremely strong drugs – without knowing that they are even potentially mitigating a problem.

Thoughts?

Anemia!

Self-diagnosed anemia, that is.  Let me back up a little bit.

Monday I got my standard 18-week ultrasound, which takes about an hour and in which the technician looks for anatomical abnormalities.  Once again, my baby was lying with its feet towards the ultrasound wand and its head towards my spine, making it impossible for the technician to look at the heart and brain, two crucial things this ultrasound is supposed to accomplish.  I have another appointment in 2 weeks, and hopefully by then my baby will have grown too large to hang out in that position.  I guess I could just blow the whole thing off – I mean, at this point I have had 2 1/2 hours total of ultrasonic waves directed right at my fetus over the course of 4 appointments – is it like standing in front of a microwave?  It doesn’t seem like it could possibly be a good thing, and I am not sure how necessary it is since even the technician said that the huge increase in routine ultrasounds in the last 10 or 20 years has not had much effect on outcomes.  But…I like it.  I like to see the baby feet and ‘wittle toesies’.  It makes me feel closer to the baby inside me.  If for no other reason than that, I will go back again for another hour of someone banging on my bladder with a lubricant-covered plastic wand.

Wednesday I saw Tiffany.  Kelly was with me for both appointments, which was nice.  We got the blood test results, and everything came out okay – no higher risk for folic-acid related abnormalities.  We also got to feel the bulge where the uterus is – it’s about at my belly button right now.  I gained another pound this month, right on target.  And I was pleased to report that I have been feeling some movement down there – both the “fluttering” sensation the books talk about, as well as some round ligament pain that feels like quick jabs or pinches.   All in all, my baby looks healthy and well.

I got a prescription for Flagyl, aka Metronidazole tablets, to treat my bacterial vaginosis, which I have some trepidation about.  The last time I took metronidazole tablets was last August, and it made me feel weak, out of sorts, and also completely took away my appetite…one of the possible side effects is anorexia, and I lost about 5-10 pounds in the week or so I took the medicine, which is the main reason I was at the low end of my weight when I got pregnant in November.  It doesn’t seem that there is any other way to treat b.v. than with this incredibly strong drug, which has a laundry list of side effects.  I wish there was some sort of alternative treatment I could try first.  Any leads, anyone?

Yesterday, I felt fine when I woke up, but at work in the morning I started to feel nauseous and got a sinus headache.  I ate something and the nausea went away, but then around noon I began to feel extremely light-headed.  I was just sitting at my desk when my eyesight went completely red and the insides of my ears went rushing and cold, like a sudden drop in blood pressure.  It sometimes happens when I stand up, but this time I was just sitting there!  I knew that I was about to throw up, so I went to the bathroom and tossed the soup and bread I had had as a snack.  I was afraid of fainting on the stairs on the way to the bathroom!  I sat on the bathroom floor for a while with my head between my knees.  After I went back to my office, I went home for the rest of the day and mostly rested on the couch or in bed.  This morning my headache is still there, as is the faintness and weakness.  I feel crummy.  I came into work, but I’m not getting much done (evidence this post).

I think this is happening because at around 20 weeks ( I am at 19 weeks and 4 days today), your blood volume shoots up.  This can cause anemia if you don’t have enough iron to create new red blood cells.  At the last appointment I had a month ago, Tiffany told me that I had started my pregnancy with low iron numbers – not anemic, but the possibility of developing anemia if I didn’t eat enough iron.  Anemia can cause low blood pressure, faintness, and headache.  I am going to start supplementing with iron, washed down with orange juice, and hopefully that will help.

One of the books I have (“What To Expect”) says that it is almost impossible to eat enough iron during pregnancy.  That seems insane to me – what did women do before supplementation, then?  Kelly and I call “What To Expect” the “Will it hurt my baby?” book because the whole book is organized around fearful questions followed by the phrase “Will it hurt my baby?”  Fortunately, you’ll be glad to know that anemia, in general, will not hurt the baby – it is very rare for babies to be born iron-deficient, and it seems that this is one of the cases where the baby manages to satisfy its nutritional needs before the mother.

I’m showing now, enough that I can’t wear any of my work pants, but not enough that the casual observer could possibly tell.  I seriously need work pants with a stretchy waistband!